39 Weeks and Non-Stressed!

Soooo BIG

 Just hit 39 weeks today and due to some iffy blood work results, baby and  I got to celebrate by going in for a "non-stress test", yay!

Luckily everything looks fine, although Evie was napping and REALLY didn't want to wake up (the nurse used a little buzzer to wake her and she kicked at it once and went right back to sleeping!).  In other news, when the nurse was looking at the ultrasound she said "looks like baby has some hair there! At least, on the back of her head."  I'm not quite sure how she could even see hair (we looked and weren't even sure we were looking at her head!), but if she does have hair I'm really hoping it's on her WHOLE head, not just the back--just not that into the Danny DeVito look for my baby girl, haha.

I'm superly excited to finally meet this little character in person!  It's getting so close!!

My life is over...

Ok, that is an incredibly over dramatic statement, I will admit it.  What I MEAN to say is that sometime in the next couple of weeks here, life as I know it will be over for ever.  To me, that is incredibly amazing, wonderful, and a little bit terrifying all at the same time!  It will never just be me and Karl like this again and I will never be pregnant and childless again.  As soon as she is born I'm going to be a mother, something I've never been before! We're going to be a little family instead of just a couple! I'm so excited and nervous and happy and scared all at once!!  I love her so much already, I can't wait to hold her and see her, but I know it's going to be hard too!!  Anyway, just thought I would get that out there :)

 

The Waiting Game

Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...

I'm now almost 38 weeks, and the waiting game has more than officially begun :/  I wouldn't be quite so anxious if I wasn't so uncomfortable!   I've been having pretty darn painful contractions for the last couple of days, but no actual labor yet.  This week is Thanksgiving break, so I would be more than happy for her to decide to show up in the next couple of days!!  I guess, on the other hand, if she decided to stay for the next two weeks then I could at least get more classes/school work under my belt before taking the plunge into motherhood.  I just don't know if I'm going to be able to get much done, or even walk anymore, if she doesn't come out soon!  I think my body has decided to fall apart in the last couple weeks, lol!  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens... So crazy trying to prepare for something when I have no idea when it will happen!!

I feel like I have more to say, but I'm just superly exhausted and I'm technically supposed to be working on homework (I should probably get as much done as I can before baby decides to show up!).  I feel so bad that I've been majorly slacking on the blogging thing lately!  So many thoughts, so many changes, so much going on... Oh well, maybe someday I'll get back with the program!

Hobby Lobby Adventures ;)

Let me just start by saying that I love Hobby Lobby... It is an extremely dangerous place for me to wander into when I have my wallet with me, haha.  That being said, the other day I found out that my 11:30 class had been canceled (after driving all the way to school), and seeing as my next class wasn't until 1:00 and Hobby Lobby was juuuust up the street, I decided to go waste some time there.  It seemed like a really good plan.  

I spent some time wandering, and wishing I could buy all the Fall/Halloween decor (and wishing that I had a cute house for it all to go in!), and then I decided it was time to get down to business.  I really wanted to buy some wooden letters for Evie's room--all the crafty mom's make them for THEIR kids, so I decided I needed some too (darn you Etsy and Pinterest!!).

I found some superly cute curly letters and I was just about to start looking at cute scrapbook paper to decorate them with, when I realized I wasn't feeling the greatest.  My arms were feeling really fatigued just from holding the letters and my purse and I just wasn't feeling "right".  So I thought, "ok, I'll just go check out and I can go sit in the car til I feel better."  Bad plan, but I REALLY wanted to buy my letters.  I got to the checkout line and I knew I was in trouble.  My vision was starting to get a little bit blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out.  Normally at this point I would sit down, but I was in the middle of the check out line and wearing my nice slacks, so I thought I'd just tough it out a few more minutes, buy my things, and run out to my car.  

Yeah, I'm brilliant. 

There were only two people ahead of me in line, but I swear they took FOREVER!!  Finally it was my turn, and as the girl started ringing me up, I congratulated myself on making it.  That's is, until I realized that I couldn't hear anything, my vision was almost completely black, I had lost all concept of time, and I could feel my head going down towards the checkout counter...  Luckily, through some miracle, I "came to" enough to catch myself before I face planted (my face was inches from the counter at this point).  I could see and think just well enough to fumble through sliding my card, grabbing my receipt, and running out to the car... 

I must have looked absolutely crazy. 

After I sat down for a couple minutes I felt fine, embarrassed and stupid for staying in line when I knew what was coming, but fine none the less...

Seems that Hobby Lobby may be dangerous to more than just my wallet!

Well, now that you know how much sacrifice and effort went into purchasing the darn letters, I am now pleased to present...

The craftiest thing I've done in a long time!!

Bad lighting, but you get the picture!

 

This picture shows the patterns much better :)

We now cannot under any circumstances decide on a different name, because these letters took SO much work!!!  I'm just glad that "Evie" is only four letters long, because I probably would have given up and screamed if I had to make any more!!

I think they're cute, not even close to perfect (this is seriously my first time trying anything like this!), but good enough :)

Labor & Delivery

Got to make my first visit to labor and deliver last night!  It was superly fun and exciting, kinda like Disney Land!  Ok, that's a lie, I really dislike doctors and hospitals, but since I love my baby and my hubby (who was stressing) I went any way. 

I've been feeling my Braxton Hicks since the end of my first trimester, so they're not really that huge of a deal anymore (although I admit they're getting way more uncomfortable!), but on Saturday night I started having a lot, pretty regularly.  I think at one point they were less than 5 minutes apart, which made me nervous, but I ended up just drinking a bunch of water and falling asleep.  Sunday morning and afternoon I was having a lot, but they were pretty random, so I again, drank a ton and tried to stay in bed as much as possible.  By Sunday night they were getting really regular and close together again--despite all my efforts--so when Karl got home he made me call my midwife and she told me to go to labor and delivery, yay!

We got there, had to answer a million questions, I got to be examined in all sorts of uncomfortable ways, and got all hooked up to the monitors, and as soon as I laid down in that bed, my contractions stopped!  I was having them up until the minute I walked into the hospital room, and then, nothing!!  I must say I was more than a tiny bit frustrated with my silly body (thanks for making me look like a crazy person-_-)!! Oh, and can I also mention that I started having them again as I walked out to the parking lot... *sigh*

On the bright side, we got to hear baby, and she seems to be doing wonderfully!  My cervix is still closed and everything seems to still be going well, which relieves a lot of anxiety for me!  Still don't know why I've been having so many contractions lately, I guess my uterus is just really excited about getting ready for the big day?  I wish I had as much motivation to work out as my uterus seems to!

Anyway, that's what Karl and I got to do last night, and as much as we enjoyed it, I'm hoping to not have to do it again for about 6 or 7 weeks!

"A" for Attendence

I would just like to officially and publicly pat myself on the back for making it through the entire first month of school without missing a single class.  This may not seem like a huge accomplishment to anyone else, but it's a big deal for me!  Taking into consideration that I've had "senioritis" since last semester, sitting through my hour and 15 minute classes is literally painful, I'm sleepy, and that all I want to do is focus on all things "baby", I'm very proud of myself for getting out the door and to my classes everyday!!  I have a feeling that things are only going to get harder the closer I get to the end, but I can do it!! ...Or so I have to keep telling myself, anyway!!

Life Update

So, I'm 29 weeks today, and am officially on my way in my third trimester!  Yay!  Time is going and going and going and I feel like I still have so much to do before she gets here--it's crazy!  Anyway, just thought I'd give a quick update on how things are right this instant (because you care, I'm sure).

Things I'm loving:

• My baby belly :)  I've never been extremely fond of my body shape, but I honestly love my baby bump!  It feels good to actually be able to love and accept my belly, lol!

• Feeling baby move :)  I have to admit that I'm having a terrible time concentrating in class, on homework, on housework, on anything!  Every time she moves I just want to stop the world and savor every minute.  I don't want to miss even a second of it because I know time is running out to be with my little one like this!  Lol, I feel like I have my own imaginary friend; I'm always talking to someone that no one else can see.  She is my constant companion!

• Feeling laid back and even tempered :)  I know this really isn't the case for most pregnant women out there, but since I've been pregnant, I just feel so much more in control emotionally!  Sure I still get weepy over stupid things, but I'm a lot less stressed, grumpy, and anxiety ridden as I usually am.  No idea why, but I'm grateful for it!

Things I'm not loving quite so much:

• Pain :(  I can't sit for any amount of time with out getting terrible cramping/pain in my back and ribs (makes sitting through long classes a literal pain!).  My hips and pelvis have also been hurting a ton lately, which makes walking and moving uncomfortable.

• Stretch marks :(  Evie-cakes has been growing in leaps and bounds lately, and my tummy is not taking the punishment so well!  I guess I should be grateful, it's not too bad (yet), but I really can't say that I like this part of growing a baby!

• Not being able to eat :(  I'm trying to feed a baby going through growth spurts here, and I'm having a terrible time eating!  Between the very little space my big baby is leaving my stomach and the heartburn and indigestion, I'm struggling to keep us both fed!

• School :(  I really don't want to be in school, I just want to spend time with the alien in my tummy and work on getting ready for her arrival in the world!

Anywho... That's just a glimpse into how things are going at the moment, this is definitely subject to change!

Baby Loading...

Karl made a superly cute "maternity" shirt for me, so I thought I'd show off :)  PLUS I have to show off how incredibly big this child has gotten in the last couple weeks (I'm starting to have a really hard time rolling myself out of bed!!).  I'll have to post the how-to for the shirt and some pics of the other awesome shirts we made, but this will have to do for now :)

27 and a half weeks! 88ish days to go!!!

We have crazy mornings...

Today, like most days, Karl got woken up an hour early by work calls.  He eventually went out to the other room because he had to solve a bunch of communication problems, and I just lay there in bed, grumpy over the loss of sleep.  I was laying on my side so my arm was kind of draped over my belly... and that's when Evie decided she wanted to be awake too!  She was kicking me so hard my arm was moving!  I almost called Karl back to come feel her moving around, but I didn't want to interrupt him while he was being business-y.  Eventually Evie calmed down and Karl came back to bed.  I was a little disappointed because that's what always happens!  She loves to stop moving as soon as daddy's around and wants to feel her.  Anyway, he got back into bed and we cuddled up together to try to get a few more minutes of sleep before we had to head to school... but Evie had different ideas.  I felt her kick really hard and it made me giggle a little, but then I realized that Karl made a noise when she kicked too!  Evie was kicking him in the back and he was feeling it!  Suddenly she was going crazy again and keeping us both awake.  I thought it was funny :)

As grumpy as I was about not getting that hour of sleep (it's been a REALLY bad sleep week for us!), I'm really glad we got to have a bonding moment with our baby cakes!

Jiffy Pop!

Wow... Ok, I'm just lying here in bed, trying to relax, and honestly, I feel like I've swallowed a bag of JiffyPop!!  Goodness!!  Baby is getting so big and strong and ACTIVE!  I can't believe she was ever the size of a grape, and I can barely remember a time when I couldn't feel her going crazy in there.  It took so long before I could even feel her move, and now I feel like she's training to be a ninja or something.  I really love feeling her move... most of the time!  The bladder kicks and simultaneous headbutts to the ribs I could do without, lol!  At least it let's me know she's still doing ok in there, definitely puts my mind at ease to know she's still cooking! :)

Thinking About Baby

(I know everyone's seen this pic, but I don't have many of her at this point and I love it, lol)

Karl and I got to see baby moving my tummy for the very first time the other night.  It was an amazing thing to experience!  Karl's been able to feel her kick only couple of times and I'm just so happy that we're finally getting to the point where he can be more involved with baby. I think it makes it that much more real for him :)

Anyway, that just got me thinking...

I think I’m going to really miss being pregnant with this little girl.  Sure, pregnancy has its aches, pains, gross things, and discomforts (and I’m sure in a couple months I’m just going to want her out!), but I really love it.  I AM anxious to see her face and to hold her, to get to know her personality, and to love her on the “outside”, but there is still just something about this connection and relationship I have with her now.  If you think about it, it’s basically physically impossible for the two of us to get much closer!  There is just something so incredibly unique about being pregnant and basically giving up your body for your child.  I love feeling her move and watching her bumping around in my belly!  Perhaps it’s just for this one moment, but for now, nine months seems like such a short amount of time!  I love her so much already and I can’t even fathom what the future has in store for us.  I like thinking about it-I can’t wait to see what she looks like, whose eyes she’s going to have, if she’s going to be a baldy or have lots of hair, if she’s going to be superly energetic or calm and contemplative-but for right now I’m just so content to hold her as closely as I’m ever going to be able to.

On a semi related note…

Karl laughs at me when I say this, but when I think about time in terms of baby (3 and a half months ‘til she’s here :D !!!!) time seems to being flying by!  Then again when I think about time in terms of school (three and a half months ‘til it’s over D: ????) that same amount of time seems like an eternity!!  I’m very interested in how the time will pass this semester because of my unique situation.  I’m dreading the end of this semester just a little bit (labor/delivery, newborn, AND finals—what an awesome combo!), so maybe it will fly by quickly?  Or is it going to drag on and on because of pregnancy discomforts and stressful classes?

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see—wish me luck!!!

Old Wives Tales

Disclaimer: I'm a pretty scientifically minded person, and I KNOW old wives tales are mostly ridiculous and have absolutely no meaning what so ever, so this is just for fun :)

Now that we have that out of the way... During that 20 week wait to find out baby's gender (drove me crazy, no idea how some people wait 40!!) people had a lot to say about what THEY thought the baby was.  So, now that we know our little jelly bean is a girl, I thought I would see how this pregnancy measures up to all the gender old wives tales that are floating around out there!

 

• Heart Rate: The very first prediction I got was just after my first doctor's appointment.  Baby's heart rate was 160 bpm (and has been pretty much since then!) and apparently a high heart rate (over 140) means it's a girl :)

•  Nausea: This Old Wives Tale says that if you're really sick first trimester (and/or beyond), then you can expect a girl!  I would say I was pretty DARN sick at the beginning of this pregnancy so I guess that's another point for the old wives!

• Sweet Cravings:  Ok, seriously, ALL I want to eat with this little girl is SUGAR (can you say, Gestational Diabetes?)!! I constantly crave candy, pop, fruit, juice, cake, cookies, chocolate... basically, anything sweet!  We've decided that baby knows what she likes and has a fit if I don't give it to her (One day I got up and just ate some fresh cucumbers and tomatoes... and they promptly came back up again). The old wives say that sweet cravings mean a girl vs. salty and sour cravings that mean a boy :)  

• Citrus Cravings: A random one that I actually had never heard before is that craving citrus means a girl, which is really interesting because about the only thing I wanted to eat for the first few months was oranges!

• Carrying Baby: I'm pretty sure this is one of the best known gender myths: carrying low, round and in front (basketball) means a boy, carrying wide, and high (football) means a girl.  I don't totally get this one, but I would say I'm carrying pretty high, although I think that's because my torso is so short that baby has no where else to be but high!  Also, I guess she's kind of widening my middle a bit, but once again, I think that has way more to do with my body shape than anything! 

• Weight Gain: Another one I believe I've heard is that girls make you gain weight in your hips, thighs, and butt, and I will sadly admit that is the case (no stretch marks on my belly yet, but my dang hips aren't faring so well!).

• Mood: Girls are supposed to make you more moody and emotional than boys.  I know it sounds crazy, but I actually feel like I've been way more emotionally stable since I've been pregnant!  Sorry, old wives...

• Graceful or Clumsy: If you feel more graceful, that means you'll have a baby girl, feeling clumsy means a boy.  Maybe it's just that I'm ALWAYS clumsy, but I feel like I've done nothing but trip over things, run into things, and drop things lately :/

• Zits!: This one says that girlies "steal your beauty" and therefore if you're having a girl you'll have a bad complexion while you're pregnant.  The state of my face hasn't really changed since I've been pregnant, so I'm really hoping that doesn't mean I'm going to have an ugly girl, haha!

So, it looks like the old wives were eerily right on some things, lol!  What are the chances?

Halfway There!

As of yesterday, baby and I are halfway to our big day!  I'm so excited and happy right now, I feel like I'm driving everyone crazy!!  Anyway, in honor of this momentous day, I thought I would just recap what's been happening so far this pregnancy.

April 1st, I took a pregnancy test because I wasn't feeling quite right and I was a day late... and nothing... That was incredibly disappointing, but I think my body was trying to be funny and play an April fool's joke on me, because three days later, I got a positive test!!  I was so excited to see those two lines, I can't even describe it!!!

Finally POSITIVE!!

Fast forward a couple weeks... Morning sickness sets in!  I have to admit that my first trimester was the worst :(  I could smell EVERYTHING and the smell of EVERYTHING made me superly sick!  I couldn't eat anything, and at one point I couldn't even drink much with out feeling soooo sick.  On top of that I was incredibly exhausted.  I felt like I couldn't get out of bed for weeks!  When Karl and I first talked about how many kids we wanted (oh so many years ago!), we decided that five would be good, but it was about this time in my pregnancy when I really wondered if I ever wanted to do this ever again!!

Luckily, that didn't last forever, I've been feeling better and better since about 12 weeks!  Now that I can finally eat again, and have a good chunk of my energy back, and am not too huge, I'm loving being pregnant, and back to thinking five might be ok, haha.  Anyway, I managed to lose six pounds in my first trimester, and I'm just now getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight (yeeeah, I know I don't really look it... but it's true!)

Our first camping trip!!

This trimester has been really good so far (especially in comparison to the last one!!).  I have way more energy, I'm starting to like food again (and have recently developed an unseemly appetite!), and I'm starting to look a little less fat and a little more pregnant!  My only real complaints at this point are that I have heartburn every time I eat (bleh, but not a totally new thing for me), I have to pee constantly, and I get back cramps like crazy (I can't sit for more than a little bit at a time, or else...)!

And for the best pregnancy "symptom" I've had so far, I finally started feeling my baby move!!  It was really funny, last Friday I was playing around on my computer and I REALLY had to pee, but I was too lazy to get up and go, when I suddenly felt a little "blip" on my bladder that almost felt like a spasm.  I wasn't entirely sure if it was baby, but it was definitely different from anything I've ever felt before!  Then, on Monday, we found out that baby is feet down, VERY wiggly, and apparently doesn't like the invasion of space that happens when my bladder is full!!

Speaking of Monday....

Baby!!!

We got to see our baby for the first time!!  We found out that we have a very energetic, very acrobatic child (definitely takes after Daddy, Auntie Preah, and Uncle Jojo)!!  Baby was measuring great and looked healthy from everything they could see! Annnnnd.....

She's a GIRL!!!!

Yay for the bum pic!

We are so incredibly happy!  It was the most amazing experience in the world as we got to sit there, hand in hand, and see our little girl (I love calling her that!) moving around in there!  Everything just feels so much more real now.  I know we have a long way to go still, but it's going by so much more quickly than I expected!  I can't wait to meet our little one face to face!

Isn't she cute?  Chilling with her hands behind her head :)

My little alien baby!!!

Here she is curled up with her foot by her mouth, her arms by her head, and looking like an alien!

Blue or Pink???

I would just like to say that I'm glad such a monumental decision is completely and totally out of my hands!  Tomorrow, if everything goes according to plan, we will know if Baby Smith will be a boy or a girl!!  I don't know what to think!  People have been asking me for AGES what my mommy intuition has to say about baby's gender... And I've been feeling like the dumbest mom ever, because I have no idea!  The last week or so I've been thinking maybe a girl, but I guess we'll find out!

So EXCITED!

Pregnancy Brain...

What is pregnancy brain?

Pregnancy brain is the phenomena where an intelligent woman loses her capacity to think while she's pregnant because her baby is sucking out all her brain power (yes, that is the scientific definition).

Let's just say you know have pregnancy brain when you try to spell the word "laughing" with a "ph", then think to yourself, "that's ridiculous" and proceed to try to spell it with an "f"  (yeah, this totally just happened to me, I feel like an idiot.)  

Other symptoms include, but are not limited to: putting dishes and other random objects in the refrigerator, not being able to remember half the words in half the sentences you're trying to speak, and forgetting why you are where you are and what you were supposed to be doing there.  

In conclusion, I cannot be held responsible for my words or actions at this point.

"I can see yours BABY!"

So, I've been looking up all kinds of info on pregnancy on the interwebs, and when I was reading about week 14 I ran across this picture...

 ...which, made me feel terrible, because there is no way I look like that!  Baby may be that size, but I'm definitely NOT!  I've just been feeling a little bad because I was really hoping to not show so soon since this is my first baby.  A girl I know recently posted in her facebook status about being concerned that she's not showing at 20 weeks, and here I am already "popping" at 13 weeks!  Luckily with a little more research I found this picture...

...much closer to what I'm looking like, lol.  I think I'm getting used to the idea now, it's been hard not to just feel fat, but I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of loving my pregnant belly :)

And now for a cute story:

I walked into my parent's house the other day, and my three year old sister ran up to me, patted my belly and shouted, "I can see yours small baby!!!" It was super cute.  She's been confused because people kept telling her there's a baby in my tummy, but I still looked the same so she was really excited that she could finally "see" the baby. Lol!

(Bad pic, I'll have to get Karl to help me take a better one!)

6/20 Update: Had a check-up today and my midwife said I'm measuring a couple weeks, big, so I'm NOT just fat!  Lol

The great outdoors!

I went for a walk today!

I am so very proud of myself. I've actually been meaning to for days (such good weather!) but I have been feeling sick and utterly exhausted... and just plain awful so I've convinced myself not to :(  Anyway, I was about to consign myself to another day of being miserable on the couch, but, through some miracle, I put on my tennis shoes and walked out the door.  It was really nice!  I love feeling the sunshine (and the shade, lol), and smelling all the pretty spring smells.  Fresh air is sooooo wonderful!!  I just feel better when I'm being physically active, as hard as it is to convince myself to get moving in the first place, I always feel better once I get going!  I think that's definitely my biggest obstacle when it comes to being active, I love moving and exercising (usually), but it just takes so much effort to get started, I usually just give up!

Anyhow, here are some pictures I took with my crummy cell phone camera.

I just love spring time!! Wish my pics could do such a beautiful day justice!

Migraine, pt. II

So, today I had my second migraine in as many days. Thank you, hormones. What did I learn?  Tylenol is about as effective during a migraine as a rowboat in the desert...  Also, for what little energy I expend while I'm having a migraine, it's exhausting!!!!  I think I've spent more time asleep in the last two days than I've spent awake!

And One Dr.Pepper-Tylenol Cocktail Later...

Happy Easter!

I must admit that I didn't really have anything fun/spiritual/festive planned for today, but I'm pretty sure anything would have been better than what I actually ended up doing! I had my third migraine in the last four weeks today, and I was pretty grumpy about it!! Luckily, by some happy accident, Karl was actually home today (he always works the Sunday afternoon shift)!! I would have probably just cried the whole afternoon if I'd been here myself, so I'm superly grateful he was here! Anyway, my head hurt really bad (I would describe it as someone trying to hammer an ice pick through the top of my skull and out one of my eye sockets). I finally got some tylenol and some Dr. Pepper (courtesy of Karl) and promptly passed out... and had the weirdest, most realistic dream I've ever had in my life... Yay pregnancy dreams ;)

The first part I can remember, I was in a hotel room with a bunch of my friends (yeah, I have no idea who they were) and we were all dressed in fancy dresses and we got drunk (yeeeeah, I've never even tried alcohol before... ever). It was pretty interesting being drunk though, I was all disoriented and couldn't stand up straight. Anyway, I finally got un-drunk enough to make it down to the hotel lobby where I was informed that I was beaten at the science fair by Sam Puckett (annoying girl from iCarly) and her summery of "Johnathin K. Jonathan's theory on valence shells" (yes, my brain totally made that ALL up). I was mad because her presentation was awful, she wrote with yellow marker on a yellow board, and in one place she even added the number of electrons in one of her valence shells wrong! My project, which got third, was a historical overview of how Chinese brides were forced to be sex workers in the 1600's (my brain also made this up, although I did at one point do some research about Japanese sex workers during WWII, so I think that's where I got it)....

Yeah... I really don't have a point here...

Anyway... I just woke up and realized that it's ten o clock at night, and I have a final tomorrow and I haven't studied all day...

So... I'm pregnant!

After months of waiting and enough "one liners" to fill an industrial sized dumpster, we have finally achieved this...

Something I was beginning to think I'd never see. TWO LINES.

I'm pregnant!

I want to gush about how over the moon I am and how I've never been happier in my life than at this moment--because I want to be--but after a "chemical pregnancy" (early miscarriage) and a long wait, I'm mostly just terrified and at least a little bit in denial.

April 1st I was one day late and felt like something could be different this month, so I took the test... I waited the the three minutes the instructions called for, and when I glanced down and saw no extra line, I hastily tossed the thing in the trash and went on with my day, trying to fend off the wave of disappointment threatening to overtake me. I really felt like this month was it, but I've now spent years jumping at every little could-be pregnancy symptom 'til I'm driving myself crazy every month, so I just chalked it up to another case of the crazies. It looked like just one more month of no baby. 

Yay.

A few days later I still hadn't started my period yet. There was this faint glimmer of hope that I was trying desperately to quash, because I figured as soon as I tried testing again I'd start bleeding and be upset all over again... But Karl finally convinced me to just do it (probably because I was driving HIM crazy, lol).

And lo and behold, there were two lines.

I couldn't believe it. I still can't. All I could think was that it must be a false positive. It HAD to be a mistake. It was a dollar store test after all. We were in the middle of moving the rest of our stuff to the new apartment, so on the way to pick up another load, we stopped at the store to pick up a couple more tests. I took another one as soon as we got to the other apartment and again, there they were, those two little lines that mean so much; a symbol of so many hopes and dreams.

So not a false positive, apparently.

My next thought? This isn't going to last. I might be pregnant now, but I won't get to keep it. I'm going to start bleeding anytime now.

Cheery, eh? I know, I'm the queen of positive thinking

I had to go get an "official" test done at an actual office for insurance purposes, but I really didn't want to. I knew if I went in to the office the test would be negative and my fears that I was going to lose this pregnancy would be confirmed. Actually, I don't know if I can even call them fears, it's more like I'm just utterly convinced this isn't going to happen.

I was stressing the whole time we waited in the lobby, stressed the whole time I waited for results, and double stressed when they took me back to a room for my "consultation". However, they told me the test came back positive! They also asked me if I was planning to continue my pregnancy (I went to Planned Parenthood) and I just thought that was so... crazy. Here I am freaking out about whether or not I'll be able to keep this baby I want so badly, and there are people who don't want to "continue". Not judging, not my place, it just kind of struck a nerve somewhere. My fault for going to Planned Parenthood, I just had connections because I'm in the public health program and I knew they did them for free, haha.

Anyway, afterward we stopped at Winco and sat in the parking lot eating pasta salad and trying to comprehend our future...

On the one hand, I really want to start shouting it out to everyone I know, I've been waiting for this and I feel like I deserve to be excited. On the other hand, I feel like if I tell anyone that means I've accepted it as real, and if I accept it and I lose this baby, then I don't know if I can put myself back together after that...

I dunno, I felt a little better after the official test, and no bleeding or bad signs so far, so that's good, but now I'm waiting for my first prenatal visit and my anxiety is going up again. I'm so sure they won't find a heart beat. I know I sound like a crazy person, and I wish I could make everyone understand, it just feels so certain, so inevitable. I'm a bit of a psychological mess at the moment, but I'm trying to keep positive for the most part. The excited moments are coming through more and more the longer I go with no sign of a problem.

I'm so excited for what could be and what hopefully will be, I just need to find a way to get rid of the "what if's"!

To end on a happier note (because I really AM happy, despite it all), it looks like this Christmas we'll be getting an early present!!

Baby Smith is due to join us December 6th, 2011!