So... I'm pregnant!

After months of waiting and enough "one liners" to fill an industrial sized dumpster, we have finally achieved this...

Something I was beginning to think I'd never see. TWO LINES.

I'm pregnant!

I want to gush about how over the moon I am and how I've never been happier in my life than at this moment--because I want to be--but after a "chemical pregnancy" (early miscarriage) and a long wait, I'm mostly just terrified and at least a little bit in denial.

April 1st I was one day late and felt like something could be different this month, so I took the test... I waited the the three minutes the instructions called for, and when I glanced down and saw no extra line, I hastily tossed the thing in the trash and went on with my day, trying to fend off the wave of disappointment threatening to overtake me. I really felt like this month was it, but I've now spent years jumping at every little could-be pregnancy symptom 'til I'm driving myself crazy every month, so I just chalked it up to another case of the crazies. It looked like just one more month of no baby. 

Yay.

A few days later I still hadn't started my period yet. There was this faint glimmer of hope that I was trying desperately to quash, because I figured as soon as I tried testing again I'd start bleeding and be upset all over again... But Karl finally convinced me to just do it (probably because I was driving HIM crazy, lol).

And lo and behold, there were two lines.

I couldn't believe it. I still can't. All I could think was that it must be a false positive. It HAD to be a mistake. It was a dollar store test after all. We were in the middle of moving the rest of our stuff to the new apartment, so on the way to pick up another load, we stopped at the store to pick up a couple more tests. I took another one as soon as we got to the other apartment and again, there they were, those two little lines that mean so much; a symbol of so many hopes and dreams.

So not a false positive, apparently.

My next thought? This isn't going to last. I might be pregnant now, but I won't get to keep it. I'm going to start bleeding anytime now.

Cheery, eh? I know, I'm the queen of positive thinking

I had to go get an "official" test done at an actual office for insurance purposes, but I really didn't want to. I knew if I went in to the office the test would be negative and my fears that I was going to lose this pregnancy would be confirmed. Actually, I don't know if I can even call them fears, it's more like I'm just utterly convinced this isn't going to happen.

I was stressing the whole time we waited in the lobby, stressed the whole time I waited for results, and double stressed when they took me back to a room for my "consultation". However, they told me the test came back positive! They also asked me if I was planning to continue my pregnancy (I went to Planned Parenthood) and I just thought that was so... crazy. Here I am freaking out about whether or not I'll be able to keep this baby I want so badly, and there are people who don't want to "continue". Not judging, not my place, it just kind of struck a nerve somewhere. My fault for going to Planned Parenthood, I just had connections because I'm in the public health program and I knew they did them for free, haha.

Anyway, afterward we stopped at Winco and sat in the parking lot eating pasta salad and trying to comprehend our future...

On the one hand, I really want to start shouting it out to everyone I know, I've been waiting for this and I feel like I deserve to be excited. On the other hand, I feel like if I tell anyone that means I've accepted it as real, and if I accept it and I lose this baby, then I don't know if I can put myself back together after that...

I dunno, I felt a little better after the official test, and no bleeding or bad signs so far, so that's good, but now I'm waiting for my first prenatal visit and my anxiety is going up again. I'm so sure they won't find a heart beat. I know I sound like a crazy person, and I wish I could make everyone understand, it just feels so certain, so inevitable. I'm a bit of a psychological mess at the moment, but I'm trying to keep positive for the most part. The excited moments are coming through more and more the longer I go with no sign of a problem.

I'm so excited for what could be and what hopefully will be, I just need to find a way to get rid of the "what if's"!

To end on a happier note (because I really AM happy, despite it all), it looks like this Christmas we'll be getting an early present!!

Baby Smith is due to join us December 6th, 2011!