"Are you sure you want to be pregnant?"

This is the question that my dearest hubby asked me yesterday...

Let me set the stage for you, if I may:

Yesterday evening I started getting really sick. I haven't been able to nap because I'm just too hot, sick, and uncomfortable, so I was also really tired. I was lying in bed trying not to be sick, while my darling 19 month old bounced up and down on me chanting "mommy mommy mommy". Not the most comfortable situation I've ever been in. Finally Karl finished what he was doing, grabbed the baby, and shut the bedroom door behind them so I could get some peace. I was super nauseated but also felt like I was starving to death, and all I could think of wanting to eat was my mom's tacos. This led me to think about how much I just wanted my mommy at that moment, and how, even if she weren't too busy with all the crazy kids she still has at home, she wasn't even in town that day. THAT made me break down sobbing until I eventually fell asleep...

I woke up once during my hour and a half nap, thought I felt better, got up to check on my family, was instantly overcome with a wave of nausea, and decided it wasn't worth it.

When I did finally get up, I felt less sick, but my insides just all hurt. A few hours later I got super sick and spent the rest of the night with my good friend the toilet... It was great.

Anyway, it was amidst all this that Karl, my beloved hubby, asked if I was really sure I wanted to be pregnant.

I just had to laugh.

First off, that question PROBABLY should have been thoroughly explored about a month ago, rather than now, when I don't have too much say in the deal.

Secondly, to be honest, I'm NOT sure I want to be pregnant. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was right around this point in my last pregnancy that I decided that I never wanted to be pregnant again. The first trimester is basically concentrated evil wrapped in torment and misery, in my opinion, and I hate it.

It does get better though, I know it does. There are so many good things about being pregnant that I absolutely love, but to answer the question I definitely do not want to be at THIS particular point in my pregnancy.

I am excited for this baby, I just wish we could skip the miserable stuff!!

Bleh

So I totally forgot that when I'm pregnant I hiccup like a drunken cartoon character, and do so with an alarming frequency...

*sigh*

So it Begins...

Well, I think we are finally starting to get into the hardcore pregnancy symptoms... yay.

On the one hand, it does make me feel slightly less nervous and paranoid that something is wrong/not going normally.  On the other hand, I just remembered how much I HATED this the last time around.

Oh well, it's all going to be worth it in the end, I suppose ;)

Anyway, yesterday morning I started feeling a little nauseous and it just got worse and worse. Today I felt pretty miserable all day long. I didn't really get a break until about 7 pm, just in time to do Evie's whole bed time routine and put her down for the night.  Luckily Karl was home all day and willing to pick up the slack with Evie so I could be miserable. I love him! I feel so bad that I wasn't able to be present and involved with Evie very much, makes me sad! I'm also worried because I'm assuming this is only going to get worse in the next couple of weeks, and Karl's not always going to be able to help this much. Scary!  Not sure how it's going to go, but I guess we'll make it somehow! It was definitely easier being pregnant the first time around... I got a ton more sleep, anyway! Kinda jealous of past-me, lol.

During my nap this afternoon (which was, once again, facilitated by my hubby) I had my first super vivid pregnancy dream, which was weird, of course.  I just can't help but wonder why, if they're going to be so realistic, can't they be about happy things like relaxing in Hawaii with my family and eating delicious food with a non-queasy stomach??

Instead I dreamed that I was in a church building walking around the halls with Evie, and I kept running into extended family members and random people from the ward. There was something going on in the cultural hall, and I kept catching glimpses as people would go in and out, but I didn't know what was happening. Eventually, I ran into my mom and we were talking and she finally opened the door and let me into the room. Inside every one was standing around talking in hushed voices and looking at this tiny baby and people were taking turns holding him. My dad was there holding the baby when I came in, and I suddenly realized that the baby wasn't alive and I was at the church for some kind of funeral for this little boy. And then I woke up...  And I can't help but think, "REALLY?? WHAT THE HECK, BRAIN? WHY SO DEPRESSING? ?"

Ugh...

I remember I had one dream when I was pregnant with Evie about her suddenly being born months early, at home, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get her to the hospital in time and she died. It was bizarre, but so realistic and terrifying that I woke up crying and made Karl (who was in the other room working with a friend) come back in and comfort me.

I think I must be stressed or something... Maybe this is my paranoia taking advantage of my pregnancy hormones.  *sigh*

Anyway... That's how things stand at this point. Just praying my family and I make it through the next few weeks in one piece, should be exciting!

Surreality

Pregnancy at this stage is so incredibly surreal. I can barely keep myself convinced that I actually am pregnant.

I mean, it's been a week since I last took a pregnancy test (I have to keep it on the bathroom counter, just to prove that I didn't imagine it!), and I have some general symptoms, but nothing really definitive has set in yet (still waiting on that morning sickness, bleh).

I think that, aside from just being terrified that I'll miscarry, the reason I'm so reluctant to tell anyone the "news" at this is point is that I feel weird sharing with other people something my own mind has yet to really accept. I guess, on the other hand, it's better for me to not fully accept it, in case something does go wrong (since there's still a higher possibility of that happening, at this point).

I don't know... It's crazy...

I just can't wait for all those things like hearing the heartbeat, feeling movement, or finally seeing a baby in there on an ultrasound to finally prove it to myself. It all seems so far away though! I don't even get to have my first prenatal visit until 12 weeks, I believe.

I don't know how I'll survive waiting the next several weeks!

Good-Bye, Waist...

5 Weeks!

Farewell, my dearest waist. You are still much more squishy than I would have liked after our last journey outwards, but it was nice to have you while I could. 

See you in 8 months or so!

False Negative

So,  this morning I decided it was high time that I go to the clinic and make things officially official. Though, I didn't decide this until after I had just gone to the bathroom... *sigh* Luckily for me,  first trimester hormones were working in my favor and by the time we got there I REALLY had to pee again (yeah, this was only about 20 minutes later...) 

Anyway, went back with the nurse who handed me a cup and asked "are you expecting this to be positive or negative?" Now, at this point I had already taken 5 home pregnancy tests of varying sensitivity and brand and every last one came back with two little lines (starting 5 days ago) and I am 4 days past when my period was supposed to start,  so I was pretty darn positive it would be positive! Anyway, did my thing and went to meet the nurse who was standing there performing my test (ie. sticking a test strip in a cup) and she started asking me all these questions about what made me think I was pregnant.  I thought she was just making small talk at first,  but then eventually she said "well,  it's probably just too early,  I'll give it a couple more minutes to see if we can get anything." So we spent a minute or two continuing our slightly awkward conversation about all the reasons a person might think she is pregnant before she eventually pronounced the test to be negative and told me to come back in a couple weeks if my period hadn't started yet. 

Frustrating... and slightly unnerving to be honest. So, disappointed, we went home. I had one pregnancy test left over from my testing binge and I decided to take it as soon as I got home (yes, I already had enough of the necessary material to complete the test... haha), and sure enough, it was almost immediately positive! Not only that, but it was quite a bit darker than the test of the same brand I had taken 4 days earlier, which was extremely reassuring!

Anyway, in all my days of peeing on sticks, I have never gotten a false negative (even the dollar store tests came back with a pretty strong line this time around!), and the last thing I expected was to get one from the "official" test.  Oh well, at least with all the bloating, indigestion, fatigue, and needing to pee every five minutes, it seems pretty definite to me that I'm pregnant, no matter the results of that stupid test...

*Update* 7/11:

Went back in to the clinic today and had almost an IDENTICAL experience to the one I had on Monday... *sigh* Either that nurse doesn't know how to read a pregnancy test, or they are the LEAST sensitive tests in the world, but either way, SO FRUSTRATING! However, we finally managed to get a faint line and that was enough to call it! So it's official, we've got a baby on the way!

Baby Smith #2

So... I'm expecting! We just got a positive pregnancy test (and a few since...) on Thursday--happy 4th of July to us! 

Baby Smith #2 is going to be joining us St. Patrick's Day (03/17/14)!

So far I don't have many 1st trimester symptoms going on; I'm a little more tired than usual, I have to pee a bit more frequently, and my tummy has been a little uncomfortable for the last week or so, but other than that, things are good! I feel a little bit like Marshall on How I Met Your Mother, when he's waiting for the food poisoning to kick in... Last time around, the morning sickness, super-human sense of smell thing, and the crippling fatigue hit me full force around 7 weeks... So I feel like I've only got a couple more weeks to enjoy life before utter misery sets in (at least until around 12 weeks, which is when I finally started feeling better).  I guess I have no idea how this one is going to go, could be worse, could be better... But I'm REALLY hoping for better!!

With this pregnancy one thing I'm loving is how incredibly excited and on-board Karl is. With Evie, it was definitely a mutual decision that it was time for a baby to join our family, but he still had a lot of reservations (which is totally understandable). This time though, he just loves Evie so much and has loved having her as a part of our little "team" for the last year and a half, so he's much more happy with the idea of this new baby. Also, I feel like he's a lot more understanding and it's more real to him now that we've gone through this process once already. Last time around he was really great by the end, but I think the first couple of months are so surreal (for mommy too, but especially for dad) that it's easy for daddies to be a little disconnected for awhile. I feel like he's a lot more conscious of the whole thing from the very beginning this time.

I feel like I'm definitely in a different place too with this baby. Last time I really wanted a baby, but I really couldn't fathom adding another person to our comfortable little couple. This time I do still have my brief thoughts in the back of my mind about how it will be to add another person to our perfect little trio, but at the same time, I know full well that we can do it. I know it will take adjustments, but it's one of those things you just "do", it kind of just happens over time and it doesn't need to be a huge deal. Even though I'm sure there will be a lot of hard moments to work through, I am just so happy for this baby. I feel like Evie will be a fantastic big sister and we are all just so ready to welcome this new little person into our lives!

Wish us luck! I'm praying for a happy and healthy next 8.5 months!